Herne Bay on the Rain Scale

The wags over at BBC Radio 4 invited their listeners to invent a new word-scale to describe British rain - like the Beaufort scale for wind, but funnier. I'm delighted to see that it takes the very heaviest kind of rain "siling down" to drive people from Herne Bay's beaches... Praise indeed!

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Your words for rain
1. Not Raining	Outdoor furniture is erected cautiously in gardens and on balconies. Light to moderate rummaging takes places in rucksacks for cagoules and pac-a-macs.
2. Mizzling	Women on way to hairdressing appointments proceed apprehensively without umbrellas.
3. Grizzerable	Overseas players on county cricket teams are surprised to discover that they're required to continue playing.
4. Woodfiddly Rain	Outdoor furniture is brought back indoors. Lips are pursed.
5. Mawky	Aggressive hawkers selling fold-up umbrellas appear outside railway stations and shopping centres. Women on way back from hairdressers form impatient queue.
6. Tippling Down	Garden furniture is returned to garden centres in hope of getting money back.
7. Luttering Down	Fingers drummed on indoor furniture. Eyes rolled. Tuts tutted
8. Plothering Down	Irritating displays of supposedly barbecue-friendly foods are removed from the entrance areas of supermarkets.
9. Pishpotikle Weather	Rain intensifies.Women with newly done hair find aggressive hawkers have disappeared when they take defective umbrellas back in search of a refund.
10. Raining Like a Cow Relieving Itself	Cows relieve themselves.
11. Raining Stair-rods	Any garden furniture not taken indoors floats away. Reporters on 24-hour news channels began using words torrential and holding their hands out with their palms upturned.
12. Siling Down	Hardy British holidaymakers are finally driven from beach at Herne Bay. Garden furniture begins appearing on eBay. Water companies introduce hosepipe bans, pointing to dry spell five years ago.

I learned a new word today

And that word is paraprosdokian. This unlikely and ugly-looking word means a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. A punchline with a twist. For example:

• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
• War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
• Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
• I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay cheques.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says If an emergency, notify: I put DOCTOR.
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with Guess on it... So I said Implants?
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon...and a shot of tequila.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• He was at his best when the going was good. Alistair Cooke on the Duke of Windsor
• There but for the grace of God — goes God. Winston Churchill
• If I am reading this graph correctly — I'd be very surprised. Stephen Colbert
• You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing — after they have tried everything else. Winston Churchill
• If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. Dorothy Parker
• I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. Groucho Marx
• A modest man, who has much to be modest about. Winston Churchill
• She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say 'when'. P. G. Wodehouse
• I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks. Emo Phillips
• If I could say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker. Homer Simpson
• I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. Mitch Hedberg
• I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night. Bill Hicks

Think like an idiot

Dear reader, I know thinking like an idiot is not one of your natural strengths, but I thought it would be helpful for you to see the world through different eyes. Dull, unfocussed, short-sighted eyes that see only a small part of whole. When you have read the article at the link below, it will be much easier for you to understand the dafter things you read and hear.

Oh, no! It's making well-reasoned arguments backed with facts! Run!